I'm Back!!!!!

DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED by the difficulty of keeping your focus on ME. I know that your heart's desire is to be aware of my presence continually. This is a lofty goal; you aim toward it but never fully achieve it in this life. Don't let feelings of failure weight you down. Instead, try to see your self as I see you. First of all, I am delighted by your deep desire to walk closely with me through your life. I am pleased each time you initiate communication with Me. In addition, I notice the progress you have made since you first resolved to live in my presence. When you realize that your mind has wandered away from Me, don't be alarmed or surprised. You live in a world that has been rigged to distract you. Each time you plow your way through the massive distractions to communicate with me, you achieve a victory. Rejoice in these triumphs, and they will increasingly light up your days.
Romans 8:33-34
Hebrews 4:14-16

It's been awhile my friends, but I finally feel like I have something to say. I'm having a really hard time being content right now. I'm also having trouble trusting and having faith in what God has planned for me.

Teaching is really hard people. You can ask my family, I come from a family full of educators. It took me a really long time to commit to a "career". I fought being a teacher for a really long time growing up. I never felt like I knew what my calling was. So in my journey to find what God was calling me to invest my life in, I moved to Tyler. I fell in love with Tyler and fell in love in Tyler too. But before I fell in love in Tyler, I finally started listening and looking for the doors God was opening in my life.

I have seen countless times in my life and in the life of people around me, how powerful mentors can be. It inspired me, it transformed my heart. I often think of the scripture verse, " We are called to Father the Fatherless." This verse is ringing true in many ways in my life currently. Some I am still praying about to be revealed, but I believe is being lived out in my life right now. But its really hard.

I am writing this not to have a pity party, not to feel sorry for myself, but to say I am recommitting myself to the purpose God put on my life. I work with kids that come from broken homes, have broken hearts. But also ones that scream all day long and throw dice at me and point their finger in my face and call me "EVIL", smack their lips at me. I work with kids that send me home every day feeling very exhausted and defeated. But I also work with kids! Not only do I get to work with kids, but I get to work with kids that desperately need someone to say they are worth something and they are a special child. Kids that inspire me to come to work and be the best teacher I can be for them, and ones that even love me when I'm not such a great teacher.

But I am realizing and asking myself........."What is really defeating me?" and "What am I missing because I am losing focus?" I can list of a 100 things that make me mad, and I want to change. But that's not what the problem is. It is myself. It is my fears. It is my insecurities. God has called me to be at this school and with these kids. So WHY do I not believe and move forward in this. HE will equip me and I am qualified already because it is through him that I am a quality person. I heard on the radio today " God does not call the qualified, he calls those of quality and qualifies them." This is where God has put me, and I have to have faith in that and I don't want to look back and miss out on the big picture. I can count on one hand, when I feel like I didn't miss the big picture in something, and lose focus because of the hardships that go along when God is working in your life. I want this time to count.

So I will say again, teaching is really hard. And, when I try to do it through my own strength, I fail miserably. So I am refocusing and recommitting my filter in my mind. There are so many things that make me lose sight, and I will lose sight a million times, but that is okay. Because God will use something to bring me back in. Such as the radio message today, a student reminding me to "look for the good things and an email with POWERFUL scripture. So I will rejoice in hearing God's message today and keep listening for more.